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ok - i've been wake 87 of the past 96 hours.... don't you think i deserve a break? Oh no - hubby is in syracuse till 2pm for some stupid card thing.

On the other hand i've lost 4 pounds and what did i do to celebrate? Eat like 5 or 6 double stuff oreos and 4 krispy kremes....

the good news is i ate 4 krispy kremes last week and i didnt do any damage... here's to hoping cause i wont have a scale to use until monday 11pm again :(
My husband is so completely selfish - i hate him

i went to my Dr apt - stopped by the store to grab a few things and fill my script - come home to find him sleeping on the couch with the baby.

Do you know what this means?

It means she WILL NOT take a nap this afternoon now - which means that i WILL NOT get a nap this afternoon - and i've only had like 6 hours of sleep since getting up tuesday morning.

i'm exhausted and he just doesnt care. Before my apt he told me to shut up.

i hate mylife

i wanna die
I'm freaking out cause i cant find out how many calories are in gelato (tiramisu flaovred)!!

*crisis*

and i know - i was suppose to be good! But it tasted so good on a hot day carrying lizzy (who is no light weight anymore!) around on my back :(
well last night was horrible - before work that is. I have this feeling that every wednesday after lexi's dance class we'll be going out to eat.

I was a pig imho. :(

but i've been good since then - and plan on being good for as long as i can

Fat as...

me.

my fat self ate after 40 hours of not eating.

At least i have the good thought of buring it off tonight at work for 8 hours. The good part of being a CNA is it physical work.

The bad part is i'm surround by shit and piss all night!
So i've been thinking... and i think part of the reason i'll miss my current T is that she is an Art Therapist.

I don't easily express myself with words - so art really helps. we do art about everyother session. Even if the art doesnt speak for me - it at least helps calm me that i can more easily open up if i have something to do with my hands and eyes (so i dont have to sit and feel like i am staring at her) that i more easily do open up.

I guess i'm really worried who i'm going ot get stuck with now. It's taken 6 months to warm up to this T (as what happened last time - get warmed up enough to feel ok letting some skeltons out - and they leave) and now I'll have to go through the same process all over again.

My ability to trust a T to stay is really going down the drain.
Just got home from therapy - my T just told me she is leaving. Things going on at the clinic reorganizing and just stuff so she is leaving. I have i think 1 last appt with her and then god knows what.

This is the second time this year this has happened. I seem to have a knack of making Ts leave. Did in HS too...

I dont care. (i care *cry*)

Sep. 13th, 2004

If LJ Was a High School by Karen_Walker
Username
Principal_fierceflawless
Lunch Ladylilkarenfl
Head Cheerleaderkittykatstar
Quarterbackmrthnrunr
Prom Queengalaxiebleu
Gang Memberanarunner
Band Geekeidolons
Theatre Geekboneygeek
Chess Club Captainkampsvr
Loner Goth Kiddandelions23
Class Clownenvinyata
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Well, at least i am not head cheerleader. :)

A Slave to Gluttony

I can't beleive how much of a slave to gluttony i have become. Not even 12 hours and i am feeling like a ravaging luntic wants to devour the entire household of food stuffs. You would like by how i'm thinking of food i was some starving 3rd world child - but i'm an obese mid-twenty who should KNOW BETTER.

I have the sudden urge to clean the litter box

Feeling FAT

So this morning i came home from work - stopped at the store to get the newspaper and ended up getting a dozen Krispy Kremes also. I ate 4 *ugh* But now i am liquid fasting until next sunday - be it kills me or not - i will do it. At work and just after work are the times i am most likely to eat and overeat - but i've got planson how to squish that like a bug. Yesterday i didnt eat until i went to work (One of the Pasta Anytime meals, and a fignewton bar) but nothing all day long. So if we just dont take food or money to work - i'm relative safe from myself.


You Know You're Addicted to Harry Potter When...


You make a wand and try to use it.

You call your least favorite teacher Snape.

You call your favorite teacher Dumbledore.

You wear robes to school or work.

You make "floo powder", get in the fire, and try to go to your friends' house.

You have read all the books more than four times.

You've been bookstore at midnight to get the latest Harry Potter book before all your friends.

... And then you stayed up all night wearing it.

You've worn a Harry Potter costume in public.

You have a crush on one of the Harry Potter characters.

You've gotten at least one of your friends addicted to Harry Potter.

You actually caught the "Wand Order" mistake before you heard/read about it.

You are upset at the New York Times for creating a seperate childrens best seller list because of the Harry Potter books.

Using clues in the book, you have attempted to find the exact geographical location of Hogwarts.

You have constructed a timeline of events in the Harry Potter books.

You have attempted to figure out the exact ages of all the Weasley children?

You have spent time contemplating which main characters will die by the time the series is over.

You've been to see all the Harry Potter movies on opening night. (Bonus points for standing in line in costume!)

You've read Harry Potter fanfic.

You've written Harry Potter fanfic.

You run a Harry Potter fansite.

You visit The Leaky Cauldron daily.

You've met other Harry Potter fans from online in real life.

You've participated in a Harry Potter RPG.

You've dreamed about Harry Potter.

You have a Harry Potter poster on your wall.

Each Halloween, there's no question what you'll dress up as...!

You've spent time doing a timeline to see if you would have been old enough to date a certain character when you were in high school.

You've vacationed to London, simply to search for the Leaky Cauldron.

You own a black lab named Sirius Black.

You've knitted a Weasley sweater or Harry Potter scarf.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Harry Potter.





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i swear to god - some days i just wish i wouldnt wake-up
I dont get online to often latly cause of work - so i guess i need to do a quick update on shit

1) J has a job *faints* and loves it.
2) due to #1 - i get like NO sleep anymore - and i'm grouchy and miserable.
3) I'm working mostly 48 hour work weeks now
4) Lexi start pre-1st and dance class this week and LOVES dance!
5) My T tried having me go 2 weeks between apts - and taht was a BAD idea. Thankfully she doesnt want to talk about ED - just about my childhood :) though that isnt any easier
6) I'm still stuck at the same weight i was at the end of july :(

Well that is about it for the moment...
KKeen
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IInsane
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IImportant
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EEnjoyable

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well all is not lost. I weighed myself agani last night and i was down 3 pounds from my 5 pounds weight gain. So now, i having 2 to 3 pounds left to go to get back to where i was.

In other news - i'm organizing a ton of baby stuff to give to a girl at work who is having baby #5 and have NOTHING for the baby yet! So i am crocheting a baby sweater, cap and booties, sewing a blanket, giving her my old car seat, baby bath tub and baby seat and gt some supplies to go with the bath tub (soaps, washcloths, hooded towells, and go through my old baby clothes and see if there is anything there i can give her as well. I'm actually really excitied about doing this :)

In Serious Damage control mode

So i was "stupid" enough to weigh myself last night at work.... i gained 5.4 pounds. NOT GOOD. So we're in serious damage control mode ATM to hopefully undo the damage i did this weekend. HOping its really water weight from too many carbs (cause comeon - 5.4 pounds in like 3 days?!?! that would be like 18,900 calories above and beyond what i would need ot manitain my weight - and i know i didnt eat THAT much)

It didnt help that one of my residents last night made the comment that you couldnt miss me (to kick me). That wasnt helpful - but it did help keep me from eating alot at work (i ended up haveing 1 fignewton cookie bar).. and working the overnight is usually where i eat the worst - so i have hope :)

Jul. 26th, 2004

Tomorrow should be my dads 53rd birthday. Needless to say i'm a bit down that he isnt going to be around to celebrate it. I havent even been to the cemetary since Memorial Day... Between working at work and doing work at home - i dont even have the time to visit family and friends.

I've been losing weight - last week i finally lost my goal for this month - 10 pounds. But with having the weekend off and eating like a pig cause i was out shopping and such - i'm sure i've gained some back. I haven't decided if i should hit the scale and see how bad teh damage is - or do some damage control and look at weekend end. With my work schedule this week - it should help keep me from eating too much.

If i do weigh myself tonight - i'll write about it in the morning - cause i'm sure to be highly upset.
so i know i havent written in a long while. I've just been so busy and with only 1 pc and j online like 24/7 (or if not online - using the pc anyways playing games), i never get to use it but like once a week.

So today was therapy day (i think we're sticking with wednesdays at 3pm).. and the last 2 sessions we've been talking about weight and eating. I'm now doing a journal (i write how much and what i had, if i took my medication or any vitiams, etc, eventually we'll get to me writing feelings and such in there as well). we figured out how many calories i could eat a day to keep my weight steady (knowing that i need to lose weight anyways - but to give a starting point, and to SLOWLY reduce caloric intake from ther)... its 3240 calories a day!! 108 grams of fat! i couldnt imagine eating that much - but i know that there have been days i have, and worse (esp this past weekend while having my peroid - all i ate was anything chocolate). And apparently i drink too much diet soda and on days i work i eat too much junk food (cause i work night shift its nto like i go out to eat so i eat vending machine crap). Anyways... i did a few more caculations after i left to figure out how many calories i need to eat a day if i wanted to maintain my goal weight (ATM its 125# - average healthy for my height of 5'5", though i do want to hit 110#)... anyways - i have a LONG way to go (1500 cals a day for 125# BTW). I know that writing down all that i eat and knowing she'll see it will force me to eat less. So where as she might think its good for me - i know its going ot become self destructive in the long run - which for me means i'll get control over my eating again (or will ana?) and i'll really start sheading this weight - rather then watch it tick off ounce by ounce

also brought up the topic again of medication... i dont think i should be on it - esp when i cant even remember to take my synthroid, and i HAVE to take that. I really hope J get this job - so i can cut my hours - so i can remember to do shit like take my medication.

May. 25th, 2004

THIS WAY UP
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May. 25th, 2004

i often wonder if anyone would miss me if i die... if anyone would even grieve or mourn... attended my funeral or wake. Most all of the time i feel so alone and lonely - that no one gives a real shit if i live or die (except maybe Lexi and lizzy... and i nkow that they should be enough of a reason for me to live - but lately its getting so hard that even getting up and out of bed and off to work each day is a task in and of itself - let alone working. My body is hurting and is tired and i just want to rest and leave it all behind where i never have to worry about it anymore.

I did this "thing" in therapy today that reminded me of mad libs from jr high... it was something on anger - what it looks like, a few other beginnings of sentences that i had to finish. I thought it was interesting but what i wrote was boring, but meredith said it was powerful. *shrugs* i wonder why she thinks its powerful

anyways - i keep thinking of death and dying and when will it be my time - when do i get to excaspe the gret pain and burden of life... it should be joyful to live - i just dont see it that way anymore