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Technical Difficulties

as much as I wished to start writing here again, I've been side lined. Our DSL has taken to not staying connected for more then a few minutes at a time since a huge storm passed through here Tuesday evening. No time this weekend to call and bitch out verizon over it either... lovely

gonna be a super-d-duper busy weekend... the kind that make me wish i could shot my brains out only cause i feel like there is no time to ... to even breath


as in, i haven't posted on here in forever

i re-read all my entries today... wow

maybe i will try and write more here. It's not so.. busy now.

less eyes to see my writing

Mar. 20th, 2006

i know i seriously havent updated this in - eons!! i have been to addicted to myspace since the beginning of this year

so whats new?


We moved back to seneca falls away from my inlaws - THANK GOD!

I'm pregnant and due june 16th

other then that - just the daily grind of a stay at home mom

if you wanna see me on myspace - leave me a message!! i dont know how often i'll get back here


my niece, nephews and my own daughters are DRIVING ME CRAZY!

i love them dearly - i havent seen my nephews in almost 2 years - but UGH. And my MIL isnt havent a good day - so my SIL drop s all the kids over here - HELLO?!?!? I cant get ANYTHING done while they are here - i need a break from enteraining people sometime this week - i just want ONE day - i dont think that is asking too much.

i really need to get bcak into therapy. its been almost 2 months since my last appt.
i move into my ownplace tomorrow - finally out of my in-laws place after 6 weeks (YAY!) i'll have roadrunner so i will be able to get online nad update MUCh more often then now. I ment even have my own computer by then too :) though i think we need to get a monitor, keyboard and mouse before i can use it.

my SILs wedding is in 3 weeks - i need to do so SERIOUS fasting and restricting between now and then if i dont want to be a beached whale in ohio. my other SIL will be here in 5 days - its bad enough :( i'm like 2 times her size.
if you read this,
even if i don't speak to you often,
you must post a memory of me.
it can be anything you want, it can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened.

then post this to your journal. see what people remember about you.

Feb. 10th, 2005

ok - i htink i last updated on monday or tuesday? ok - just looked - tuesday - so here it is:

Hot tea and diet soda, code red mt dew (1 liter), i think a couple of little debbie snacks, some salad with dressing, italian bread with margarine, hard candies and cough drops

diet soda, 2 hot dogs, salad with dressing, italian bread with margarine, hard candies and cough drops and 2 frosted brownie heart shaped (little debbie again)

I already know that tomorrow i'll be having fish fry for lenten fridya dinner.. but i am going to try and oven bake/fry it rather then deep fry - i am sure that would be healthier - but i havent found a decent recipe yet for it

i really need to get my sweet and bread consumption under control. The italian bread is almost gone - i wasnt eating any bread until we got that so i think once its gone i'll be better. I do need to pick up more salad to eat though while its on sale - the problem is i cant buy anything for just me to eat while i'm living with my in-laws. there is no place for me to hide food of my own and anything left in th ekitchen is fair game :(
Well, i've been really sick the past couple of days - but basically i am going to kepe track of my eating habits in here for now as best as i can. I am going ot try and update this everyday - but if i cant - i'll logon paper and update when i can.

Basically i am sick of looking and eating like a giant fucking pig. I'm horrible and horrible looking and i need to just stop being a self food-face-stuffing bitch and get over it. It might not make any sense to anyone else - but it makes perfect sense to me.

I am NOT going to put my weight in here - just know that when i had Elizabeth i gained 55+ pounds and i have only lost 35+ pounds of it - give or take. SO - i need to whip my ass into gear and being held accountable for the shit i eat is just one of the way i am going ot go about doing it.

Sunday - cant remember it all but it included Diet Pepsi Vanilla and hot tea, a couple of handfulls of chips - no-bake cookies (more then i care to recount - since i cant remember how many i actually had - it was a lot) - Brown Rice i think with lemon pepper seasoning salt, starlight hard candies (the peppermint candy cane looking round hard candies) and whatever else i can remmeber - but more i am sure since it was supper bowl sunday.

Monday - more crap - more hard candies, hot tea and diet pepsi vanilla, french fries and i cant remember but i dont htink a whole lot else.

Tuesday - Salad with regular dressing - but not loads - maybe 1/2 a serving of dressing on a full bowl of lettuce with shreeded carrots and such (pre-bagged at the grocery) a hot dog - a small bag of fritos my hot tea and diet soda - and some peanutbutter no-bake cookies (different - but i dont think i would make them again - for ANYONE) - and if i dont have anything else tonight - that will be it

I havent done any of my walk - seeing as i can bearly breath or go 5 minutes without coughing myself into a headache faster then you can say "fat cow" to me.

My plan:

Eat better - including taking my medication and cutting out diet soda to only having it once in awhile
Drink more water
MOVE! walking - running - whatever... just not sitting on my duff like i have since snow hit - i really hate winter - snow should be here unless it is christmas morning - that is the only day i need it :)

Ok - i think that is about it - and i have been long winded enough.
Interesting - since in 2029 i'll only be like 51 years old... well my dad did die at 52 so i guess that works....

What will your Funeral be like?
by rashock
You will die by:You died of natural causes. How sweet. Your funeral is an adverage open casket.
Death Date:June 28, 2029
Number attending your funeral?60
How much will you leave to friends and family?$317,386
Quiz created with MemeGen!
This is interesting - since i don't and never have purged (not for lack of trying)

Which Anorexic Goddess are you? by sasseestefanie
Date of Birth:
Hair Color:
Eating Disorder:Bulimarexia
You will die:Of an Overdose
Quiz created with MemeGen!
I'm watching A Secert Between Friends right now

And realize how much i miss having someoen IRL who is eating disordered
It feels so isolating when you're in it alone

be it in the depts or in recovery
Things havent been going so well

I even tried to purge - and i've never doen that - ever. I so wanted to... i just couldnt stick my finger back in my throat enough to do it without worrying if someone heard me


I'm sure i'll try again - i just need to find some privacy.

Like an addiction


i eat it almost the same way a junkie needs a high - a alcholic needs a drink - someone needing that smoke for the nicotine.

Lately my eating has been horrid. I'm not eating health - i'm binging - and worse yet on junk food.

No-bake cookies, pina coloda smoothies, diet root beer, pizza, fries, chocolate and peanut butter, all you can eat buffets....

i've turned into a certifible glutton in the past 2 weeks. i don't know what is wrong - i hate feeling this way - i do. I miss the control i felt 3 weeks ago when i was avoiding all the tempting foods and refusing to eat

now i feel like a fraud
well - tomorrow i meet my new T - i am really not looking foward to it at all - only cause i think it will jsut be another person to leave in less then 6 months again.

i finally got on teh scales last night at work - i've gained 5 pounds... and feeling more and moer like a heffer - so my resolve to stop being a glutton is growing a bit stronger... i want to watch that scale drop the pounds again... too bad i won't meet my goal for teh end of the month.... i will double my efforts and meet this and next months goal for next month

other then that - i'm totally addicted to The Sims 2!

i feel horrible

all i've done since monday is eat, eat, eat.


But no work this week (i'm on a 3 day suspension for calling in too much)... so i've just been sitting home, eating, cleaning, spending money and time with the kids.

I actually kind of miss being a stay at home mom - but i eat WAY to much!

Sep. 20th, 2004

well i diffently will NOT be weighing myself tonight

i called into work

ok - so J thinks it is cause i wanted him to be able to buy Star Wars on DVD at midnight


I am WAY to anxious and stressed out and such after my last T appt.

i wanna crawl in a hole and disappear
i suck

i binged all morning long... 4 brownies, cookise with m&m pieces, munchos chips, diet soda and my green tea.

and i am sure hubby will want to go out or order in for diiner (girl scout nigh - usually we do order in or go out on nights lexi has activities).

i am scared - mortally scared - to get ont eh scale tongiht at work after eating through my weekend off.


and on top of that today was my last appt. with my art therapist. She is leavign and i havent been reassigned to a new T yet. I'm really going ot miss art therapy.

If i have to go much more then 2 weeks though w/o therapy - i'm horrible - hell i'm horrible after about 1 week.... god i hope i dont have to wait another month like last time
Pro-Anorexia Web Site Authors Claim The Condition is a 'Lifestyle Choice'

By January W. Payne
Washington Post Staff Writer

For three years, when Alison Devenny wanted weight loss tips, she turned to the Internet. But she didn't look for typical dieting Web sites. The George Washington University sophomore visited Web sites that encourage visitors to embrace anorexia and bulimia as "lifestyle choices" and provide instruction on how to do so.

The sites provide "thinspirational" pictures of extremely underweight women, menu suggestions, discussion boards and tips on topics including ways to overcome hunger pangs, such as doing household chores and drinking lemon water.

Despite attempts to encourage Internet service providers to close down such sites, many continue to exist. A recent Google search using the term "pro-anorexia" yielded 30,000-plus results. Many were links to pages by health authorities warning about the pro-anorexia movement, while others were links to sites no longer in operation. But many linked to live sites. A Google directory called "Pro-Anorexia" links to more than 50 sites.

Carol Day, director of health education services at Georgetown University and a member of the school's eating disorder treatment team, called the sites "dangerous and disturbing."

Experts say the sites can reinforce unhealthy behaviors, slow the recovery process and discourage people from seeking help.

"I think anyone who is working in the field of eating disorders realizes how unhealthy" the sites are, Day said.

"I always kind of knew that what I was doing was stupid," said Devenny, now 19, who has since begun treatment for multiple eating disorders. She used to visit the sites about twice a week, she said, picking up tips on how to avoid eating and how to keep her illness a secret from her family.

The terms "Ana" and "Mia" -- short for anorexia (a condition characterized by eating so little that one's health and life are at risk) and bulimia (overeating and then purging by vomiting or taking laxatives) -- are often used by those with eating disorders who don't want treatment.

Frequent visitors to these sites refer to themselves as "anas" and "mias" and say the sites offer a safe haven where they can talk, share advice and commiserate away from the harsh criticism of family, friends and other "outsiders."

The sites' creators are typically teenagers and young adults who have eating disorders. Many are directed at women, who experience eating disorders more often than men.

About 0.5 to 3.7 percent of women suffer from anorexia in their lifetimes, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). About 1 to 4 percent are bulimic. NIMH estimates that about 2 to 5 percent of Americans experience binge eating disorder (characterized by excessive eating that occurs, on average, at least two days a week in a six-month period).

Those with eating disorders exhibit serious disturbances in eating behavior and feelings of extreme concern about body shape or weight, the NIMH says. Researchers are investigating how voluntary behaviors, such as eating different sizes of food portions, at some point develop into an eating disorder. Experts agree that eating disorders are not due to a failure of will but are treatable medical illnesses.

Eating disorders are often accompanied by depression, substance abuse and anxiety disorders. Common personality characteristics include excessive anxiety, perfectionism and low self esteem. Treatments include hospitalization or outpatient treatment, as well as psychotherapy, nutritional counseling, cognitive therapy, behavioral therapy and antidepressant medication, according to the Harvard Eating Disorders Center.

About half of people with anorexia or bulimia recover completely through treatment, according to the Harvard center. About 30 percent make a partial recovery, and 20 percent have no substantial improvement. The mortality rate for anorexia is about 5.6 percent per decade, according to NIMH. Cardiac arrest and suicide are common causes of death for anorexics. But "Anas" and "Mias" say they are not sick, don't need to be "fixed" and don't want sympathy. They develop creeds and post poetry and online diaries reciting their beliefs. They applaud one other for reaching low weights. Their message board conversations often turn to statistics: height, weight, measurements.

A site called Blue Dragon Fly sells red bracelets to encourage "solidarity" among pro-anas. "So you can go out into the world and not have to wonder, 'Is she or isn't she?' . . . You see the red bracelet, and you know," the site explains.

But it's the pro-eating disorder advice that many women say they seek on these sites. There are tips for the best foods to eat and vomit up later ("remember if it is hard to swallow it will be hard to 'unswallow,'" one site says) and how to cover up your eating disorder (tell friends and family you're sick or have already eaten, tips another site). A college sophomore from Alexandria diagnosed with bulimia and anorexia said tips from pro-eating disorder sites helped her go from 161 pounds to her current 74 pounds.

"At times I did gain back the weight, but I would always make a plea for help on the pro-ana" Web sites, she wrote in an e-mail responding to a reporter's question. She asked not to be identified by name, adding that although her family knows she has an eating disorder, they don't know -- and wouldn't approve of -- her visiting these sites. She called the sites "a tether to bring me back on track when I start to think about going into rehab or bingeing without purging."

Some Internet service providers shut the sites down in 2001 after the nonprofit National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) and other groups complained that the sites contained content that could harm minors. Many sites disappeared briefly, only to reemerge later under different names and on different Internet domains.

Seattle-based NEDA has since changed strategies, opting to create increased awareness and education about eating disorders on the Web and elsewhere.

"There's the whole free speech issue" in trying to have sites removed from the Web, said NEDA chief executive officer Lynn Grefe. Unless sites encourage or reflect specific crimes, most Internet service providers have been reluctant to shut them down.

America Online, which has about 23 million U.S. subscribers, has removed several pro-eating disorder Web sites in the past few years under its policy prohibiting "material that defames, abuses, threatens, promotes or instigates physical harm or death to others, or oneself," according to company spokesman Andrew Weinstein. "Encouraging an eating disorder would fall into the category of promoting physical harm to others," Weinstein wrote in an e-mail.

Grefe said NEDA realized that its time was better spent getting the word out about eating disorders and treatments, rather than pushing to eliminate the sites. "We can't rid the world of these sites . . . but we can be more proactive in trying to get real information out to the public," Grefe said.

NEDA sets up booths at schools to educate students about eating disorders and available treatments, and it runs a confidential telephone help line. It also offers eating disorder information on its Web site.

Health professionals said people who think they may have eating disorders should seek medical treatment, rather than surf the Web for advice.

"I would prefer that individuals not access that particular door [pro-eating disorder sites] because I think there are dangers involved," said David B. Herzog, president of the Harvard Eating Disorders Center.

Most sites offer a disclaimer on their home pages: "If you are currently in recovery from an eating disorder or if you are offended or otherwise disturbed by the existence of pro-ana, I suggest you go no further," warns a site called The Thin Files. Others discourage visits by those under 18.

The Blue Dragon Fly site takes a different approach. It acknowledges that eating disorders are mental illnesses. Still, discussions on its forums resemble those on other sites. But its creator warns on the home page: "Tips are to give you fresh ideas on how to stay on track so that you don't fall into a depression and kill yourself -- not to teach you how to 'not eat.'"

Some site visitors are harshly critical of former anas and mias who have sought treatment. The creator of a site called Help Me Ana explains on her home page that she has gotten treatment and will no longer be maintaining the site. Some visitors signed her site's guest book and wished her well, but others accused her of turning against them.

"HAH recovery, u r jus like the rest of them, u tune in & cop out wen it gets tough, i hope ur happy wen u get fat & hideous. Ana loved u & ur rejecting her 2 join the obesians," read a message signed by someone using the screen name "witchyfingers."

"I feel kind of bad for girls who go into it with a little less maturity and buy into everything they read," said Devenny, an international studies major from New Jersey who is now in therapy and on medication for anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating disorder.

"I think it's dangerous, especially in the wrong hands. . . . This is a life and death matter for a lot of people."


To reach the National Eating Disorders Association's confidential help line, call 800-931-2237. For more information about eating disorders and treatments, visit www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=337, www.hedc.org or www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/eatingdisorders.cfm.
The local paper had an article in it on pro-ana sites today.

I'm working on typing it all out and posting it to my LJ later tonight (i have MEGA housework to do)

Sep. 18th, 2004